Forgive the melancholy

I have been pretty positive this entire deployment, so hopefully I'm allowed one post with a little bit of melancholy in it. If anything to let the feelings out before I burst. And hopefully to eventually just let them go.

So here goes.

I miss my friends and my family. And everyone is so busy with their own lives that it often feels like no one actually misses me. I know that's not true technically, but in an everyday sense I think it might be. People move on and get busy and that's a fact of life. It's silly to think that people are going to go out of their way to keep in touch with me, and I'm sure if Jack were here all this time it wouldn't feel so intense right now, but I guess the fact is that he's not here and it does because I'm away from everyone, and despite that I've tried so hard to live my own life here, it still feels like I'm on pause until my husband comes home to me. (Talk about a run-on sentence!)

But maybe what really bothers me is that I feel like no one understands what it's like to be here all by myself. I know it is partly my fault, since I probably haven't explained it to anyone. But still. No one really gets what it's like to go to church by yourself every single week, to wake up in silence, spend your day in silence, and go to sleep in silence. To eat all of your meals by yourself. In silence. To not eat because there seems to be no point in preparing another meal for yourself to eat in silence. To spend holidays by yourself. To work up the courage to attend events by yourself in the hopes of making friends (and that is not easy as an introvert!). To carry huge objects by yourself because you have no friends or family to ask for help. To leave a blank on the local emergency contact for your job because you realize that you have no one around that you can count on. To move from one house to another entirely by yourself because you aren't close enough with anyone to help you. I could probably go on, but I'll spare you from the impending feelings of pity or annoyance (or both?) by doing so. Things are so much better now, of course, now that I live on post and have *finally* made some friends/acquaintances who can actually spend time with me and not just count on me for babysitting or helping out in emergencies (since I am husbandless and childless!) but for the majority of this deployment, what I have just described has seriously been my life. Of course, I have always looked on the bright side of things and I will continue to do so. I guess I just need one post to get all this out before my husband comes home to me.

Now that I can read all of my thoughts on paper, I know what the answer is. I should find peace in that I have so many people who love me; what does it matter that they don't understand exactly how things have been for me? They love me and I love them, and that's what matters. I need to count my blessings.

And moreover, I am reminded that I need not be offended. That is one thing that all the saints all have in common: they could not be easily offended. Not because they thought less of themselves, but because they thought of themselves less. So I really should too. If I were a better Christian, I wouldn't even think of myself at all! My little sufferings are minuscule compared to the sufferings of so many in this world. If I would spend a fraction of my time praying for them instead of nursing my injuries, I know that I would be a changed person.

So perhaps this is my prayer for the last little bit of this deployment, that I can turn any self-pity or melancholy into prayers for the poor lost souls on this earth.