It's been seven months since I have posted on here. That's a really long time...
I honestly can't really even explain how difficult the aftermath was. It was too difficult to write about at the time. Maybe someday I will. But slowly, things started to get better.
Jack and I were tested by fire, and out of it we became stronger.
And I got a job. Yes, a job. I'm honestly still trying to understand what God was doing when that happened, but it did. I subbed for one day in November, my first time the entire school year. It happened to be for a high school English teacher. And then a few weeks later they fired him and offered me a long term sub position for the rest of the school year. I started on December 5th, met my students, saw my classroom. I then went and decorated my classroom the next day. I was so excited! I was finally getting to be a real teacher! (Even if I wasn't really getting paid like one...) For the first time in months, I was feeling like myself again. I was energized and motivated.
That Saturday night, after Jack and I went to school and decorated my classroom, this happened...
A very faint little line (so faint that we weren't even sure if was positive) that changed our lives forever!
I can honestly say I had very mixed feelings. With the excitement came fear and uncertainty. Would this baby make it? Would we have to go through this pain all over again? I now understand why people say that being open to life is also being open to great sorrow. All of the joy that we felt with our little Therese was replaced by caution.
To this day, thinking about that first trimester of uncertainty fills me with sadness.
Thankfully, I had acquired a new Catholic, pro-life, NFP doctor. I called him on Sunday and he met Jack and I that very day to show us how to administer progesterone injections. We had discovered that low progesterone might have been the cause of my miscarriage. And so for many weeks, twice a week, Jack would dutifully and lovingly give me two shots of progesterone in the hip to save our baby. I'm so blessed to be married to such a good man and father.
We found out at 8 weeks that Baby Holt was thriving! We got to see the little baby squirm around and watch its heartbeat. In the ultrasound below, you can see the baby with the placenta off to the top left. So tiny!
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I realized pretty quickly that the job I'd signed up for had not been thoroughly explained to me. First of all, there was a reason this teacher was fired. And because of it, his classes were crazy. They were not used to TEACHING going on in the classroom, and here I was, a young, new, motivated teacher ready to inspire hearts and minds. I had to reel that in pretty quickly.
Second of all, certain facts had been misconstrued or hidden from me when I was offered the position. Such as...
1) Two of my classes were "remedial" English. And they were brand new classes without a curriculum (meaning I had to design everything). And when I say remedial, what I really mean is that a majority of kids in the classes had failed English. Multiple times. Let's just say motivation was low.
2) I had been told that I would have lesson plans from the teacher till the end of the semester, and then after that I would start designing everything myself. When I showed up on that first Friday, I was given nothing. I wasn't even told what the kids had been doing in class. Nobody even knew! I had to figure EVERYTHING out myself and plan from Day 1.
3) The teacher I replaced was so disorganized that kids' assignments were a mess. I had to exempt anyone who told me they had turned something in that wasn't in the grade book. It was insane.
4) I had FOUR preps in the five periods I taught. That means that every single day I had to plan, execute, and grade for four DIFFERENT classes: English II, English III, English IV, and British Literature. Teachers usually have half that amount.
5) I didn't really have a boss or anyone overseeing me. I think they were just so happy that I had taken the position that it seemed nobody cared what I did in class so long as I taught. While not having anyone breathing over my shoulder was a good thing, I also felt completely alone and overwhelmed and it sort of felt like no one in my department really cared. Most first year teachers have a mentor teacher or someone at least checking in on them, and I definitely did not.
6) I got paid from 7:20am to 2:50pm. On a normal day, I would wake up at 5:40am, drive to school at 6:20am, arrive at 6:55am, work constantly throughout the day, mostly planning and grading, and then I would often stay after school until anywhere between 3:40 and 5:30pm. Sometimes later. And then I would go home and do more work.
The result of this job is that I grew to understand what it feels like to dread going to bed at night because you dread what will happen the next day ever more. The worst part is that because I was a long term sub, I knew I could quit at literally any moment. I had no contract. There were some days I seriously considered it, especially when a student would give me attitude or make me feel miserable. Once I called my friend crying and she asked, "Why don't you just quit?" I told her I would give it two weeks. After two weeks, spring break was just around the corner, and if I still felt like quitting, I would do so. Well, two weeks later, kids were in high spirits and things were better, so I stuck it out. Despite some of the trouble they gave me, I really cared about my students and I wanted to provide them with the stability of education they deserved.
And that I did. I wish I could have done a better job, I really do. I wish I could have been an amazing teacher that my students will always remember. I know that probably isn't the case. But I think that based on the conditions I was up against, I did a damn fine job. Probably better than 99% of people would have done had they walked into my situation. I worked HARD, I gave it my all, and I can honestly say I did it for my students. I learned a lot and I think I made an impression on some of them, and that's all I can ask for.
High school teachers don't get very much recognition, but on one of my last days, two of my senior girls brought me a present. A little baby blanket, some baby socks, a baby toy, and doritos (because I had craved them earlier during the semester!), and a card. They don't know it, but the card was the best part of all:
"Thank you for being a part of our senior year. You're an amazing teacher, and we will miss you so much! Good luck in Georgia :) Love you!"
I can honestly say that a little gesture of appreciation like that makes everything I have suffered during the last six months worth it.
I hope I'm not complaining too much! I just need to get all of this off my chest. :) I'm done teaching. I'm probably never going to do it again. But I am glad that I did it. And I'm sure once all the memories of dread dissipate, I'll probably even miss it a little. But I've been a teacher, and now I'm going to be a mommy. And when motherhood gets tough, I'm going to look back on this time in my life and thank God that at least I'm not teaching!
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Back to being a mommy. I'm now seven months pregnant. It's been a journey! I'm going to share some pictures now, since I decided I wan't going to post much on Facebook.
During my first pregnancy, I didn't have any morning sickness. So when I got pregnant again, I remember praying for morning sickness so that I had reassurance that everything was going well. You know what they say... I definitely should not have wished for that. I had TERRIBLE morning sickness. Thank goodness for zofran, otherwise I wouldn't have made it through! I had morning sickness up until 24 weeks.
Our baby announcement! Hearing the little heartbeat at 11 weeks was the best feeling ever, as it meant that this one's chances at making it were extremely high.
At 16 weeks, Jack and I went in for a gender ultrasound. We want you to meet our little Mark Pelham Holt.
He's sucking his thumb here.
YUP, it's a boy! We just love him so much already!
St. Patrick's Day, which puts me at 17 weeks. Sporting a little bump finally.
20 weeks!
Our first Easter together. :) At least as husband and wife! This was the same dress I wore the Easter morning after we got engaged. It's hard to believe that was two years ago.
Here is a close up of Mark's face and torso from the anatomy scan. He is perfectly healthy! His arms are sort of covering his face and you can kind of make out his little eyes, nose, and mouth. Isn't he cute?
To be fair, I see him perfectly clearly, but my brother could not. Matthew told me that he knew the baby was a boy because he could see his penis in this picture. He was looking at the picture upside down and thought his arms were his legs and that his hand was a penis... Sooooo yes, interesting.
Anyway, we get one more ultrasound because the tech wanted to get a better view of his face. I'm so excited to see his features!
21 weeks
Jack had to leave for 3 weeks for army training, so we took this picture before he left. I was just starting to really show when he left and I definitely popped while he was gone!
Mother's Day at just about 26 weeks. I got to go home for my baby shower (and two bridal showers!). It was a great trip. I got to see my mom and siblings, some of my best friends, all of my grandparents, Jack's mom and sister and some of his family, and many of my cousins and aunts and uncles. I also got to take two days off teaching, the only days I took off the whole year!
And just for fun, here is a pic from TODAY! It was a very special day.
GRADUATION! Which means I'm officially done teaching. This chapter is over and a new one is beginning!
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Speaking of new chapters, Jack and I are about to move to Georgia. As in next week! We have a lot to do to get ready for it, but I'm starting to get excited about the change. I can't wait to go walk to the pool, to set up the nursery, to take Mark on walks around the neighborhood. I have a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful little adventure.
Good things are coming!
